Here at Prima Impact, we have a problem. It’s the kind of problem that most of you left in the 90s.
We can’t shake it. We talk about quitting all the time and never do. You know how it is:
“Today’s the day we make a change,” we tell ourselves. “Today we’ll be strong.”
It never happens though. We spoke those exact words this morning, and yesterday, and the day before yesterday and the day before that.
Truth be told, we don’t want to change. We have an addiction to Super Smash Bros on Nintendo64. And we love it.
Not sure what Smash Bros is? At this point, I’m going to kindly ask you to minimize this blog and take a moment to reevaluate the direction that your life is heading in.
For those of you familiar with the subject, let’s proceed.
As you know, Smash Bros has a ton of great characters. You might also know that we’re a damn good marketing agency from Philadelphia. So we thought, “How can we link (not the guy from the Legend of Zelda, you dummies) the two?”
Connect our favorite characters to strategic marketing tactics, a not-so-random association stemming from a most fulfilling addiction…
MARIO IS LEAD NURTURING
He’s decent across the board but isn’t particularly spectacular unless used correctly. Having said that, there are occasions when he will surprise opponents with a “gimp kill”. This sneaky technique uses a relatively weak move to finish a rival. If you’re talented enough, Mario can acquire tons of “coinage” and make you the big bucks.
LUIGI IS DRIP EMAIL CAMPAIGN
Forever in Mario’s shadow. Luigi is unhurried and something of a schemer. He gradually wears opponents down before coming in for the “critical hit” move hidden up his little green sleeve. This attack that has the potential to finish off a competitor sooner than expected.
KIRBY IS DIRECT MAIL
The ultimate floater. Kirby’s combination of moves is unstoppable, but he’s light and easy to get rid of. Opponents can throw him out and he’s gone forever. Don’t be fooled by his cute and floaty image though. His floating abilities allow him to stay out of the fray for long periods, and as soon as he sees an opportunity, he comes down like a ton of bricks.
STAR FOX IS PPC
This guy is a super-talented, arrogant dipstick. When he’s hot, he’s hot. But his personality is most definitely a front. Running and rolling around at such speed, knowing that he could crumble at any moment. Nonetheless, Fox is excellent at achieving his goal in a short space of time.
PIKACHU IS REMARKETING
A small and sneaky little mouse. Opponents don’t often realize he’s around until BAM! There he is. At a place where they least expected. An agile, versatile team player, Pikachu gets a lot of hits in, but his weak finishing moves restrict him securing consistent knockouts.
DONKEY KONG IS CONTENT MARKETING
This hairy beast requires a lot of charge to land a big move. His slow, steady nature entices opponents in before he grabs and throws them way out of the park. Donkey Kong is renowned for his ability to take massive amounts of damage yet still keep on fighting. He’s a powerful creature who just won’t go away.
YOSHI IS SEO
Barney’s distant relative, this bumbling dinosaur never stops trying. Through hard work and constant effort, the scaley freak can deliver a powerful finishing punch. Oh yeah, and Yoshi can paralyze opponents by putting them in an egg, meaning he can repeatedly hit them with some kick-ass moves. Just remember that with Yoshi, it’s a marathon and not a sprint.
NESS IS BRANDING AND MESSAGING
This little munchkin is all about mental power. A constant over-achiever because of his ability to control those around him, Ness knows exactly what he’s doing. Such a sweet, innocent child on the outside. A master manipulator on the inside.
SAMUS IS A/B TESTING
This confusing character has all sorts of tools and weapons in her arsenal. She fluctuates between small and large arm cannon shots and loves the occasional bomb drop. Samus has an amazing weapon but needs time to charge it up and figure out which tools work for her.
JIGGLYPUFF IS SOCIAL MEDIA MARKETING
Lightweight and easy to maneuver, Jigglypuff’s moves have the greatest success when applied as part of a combination but if neglected, Jigglypuff can be left teary-eyed and worthless. Her strongest attack is a critical strike. If you miss though, she’ll leave you completely vulnerable.
CAPTAIN FALCON IS FACE-TO-FACE MARKETING
Loud, obnoxious and in your face. Falcon has ridiculous speed and is a big-hitter, but he has the tendency to embarrass himself with poor technique. He’ll get you results. just make sure you are careful they are the ones you want.
LINK IS WORD-OF-MOUTH MARKETING
Link’s attacks are somewhat disjointed. His success varies, but he’s generally perceived as defensive and flashy player. He can’t take big hits due to his trouble recovering. This underrated swordsman can extend his weapon for miles and most of his moves work best when utilized from a distance.
There you have it, your favorite Smash Bros characters are now synonymous with our favorite marketing tactics. Every time you develop a marketing strategy, we hope your Smash Bros addiction is fulfilled. If it’s not, go ahead and lock yourself away in a dark room and play this perfect game until your thumbs fall off.
You know you want to.